


My Sun (Passed Under A Cloud)

by AlyssiaInWonderland



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pining, Tumblr Prompt, this is like really sad and angsty i apologise y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 22:48:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14412180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssiaInWonderland/pseuds/AlyssiaInWonderland
Summary: I got the following tumblr prompt: Mckirk, based on the song "hurts like hell" by FleurieSo, I hadn’t heard this song before, either, but it’s so wonderfully rich with emotion and colour!!! I’m loving the Angst Potential. So, McKirk, Angst, here goes!Basically just some painful angst stuff for y'all <3





	My Sun (Passed Under A Cloud)

“Are those for someone special?” The cashier smiles at him, bright and sweet. He opens his mouth to speak, but his words are lost somewhere between his thoughts and his lips. The simplicity of their well-meaning question hurts like hell.

“Yeah,” He answers, honestly. “They are.”

“I’m sure whoever they’re for will love them!” They give him a small wave as he turns to exit the shop.

Leonard pictures Jim receiving them - the crinkled skin around his nose and mouth as he smiles, because he always smiles with his entire face.

The image makes him smile in turn, though the expression quickly fades. He’s caught in the rain, the sky a dusky slate colour that Jim would find the colours in, but he just finds gloomy.

He lets himself be wrapped up in the silence inside the hood of his raincoat, almost enjoying the peace of it. Everything smells fresh and clean and new, water falling from the sky to wash away the grit pervading the air. His breath is cool in his lungs, pulling him out of himself and into the world. It’s better than staying inside his own head.

“Hey, McCoy!”

Leonard blinks, almost drops his bags. He looks up to see Nyota, smiling up at him from under an umbrella that she stretches out to cover them both. He pushes back his hood, his hair dampening and sticking up at odd angles that make her huff a quiet laugh, her breath steaming in the space between them.

“Nyota,” He says, surprised by how fond his tone is. He’d almost forgotten how much he likes her, hasn’t seen her for a long time; her or anyone else. “How are you doing?”

“You stole my line, Doctor.” She pushes a hand against his bicep in a joking slight, lingering for a moment, warm and gentle against him despite the water collected on his coat. “You need to come and visit us sometime. In fact, the offer stands for two.” Her voice is kind, her eyes worried, and he tries not to visibly shrink from the way she seems to know him, know his secrets. 

He could let her in, he knows. But he doesn’t think she would understand that what he needs right now is to be left alone; she’s not like Jim. She doesn’t seem to understand that sometimes she can’t fix it all.

“I’ll bear it in mind. Thank you, Nyota. But I’d best be going.” Leonard impulsively kisses her cheek, a part of him grateful that at least she tries, and that she tries to meet him on his own terms. He pulls his hood back up and walks on. He tries not to feel her gaze lingering on him as he continues his journey.

He opens the gate, the metal bolt freezing against his skin, beaded with water. He wipes it absently on his jeans, a smile twisting across his face as he realises he’s picked that habit up from Jim.

Hey there, Captain.” He speaks quietly, as he makes his way down the winding path towards him. “Had a weird-ass dream last night. There was a machine, an’ I think maybe a war.” He reaches Jim, and slows to a halt, sweeping down his hood, letting the rain trickle through his hair. It gathers around his eyebrows, dots his eyelashes with salt-less tears. “Somethin’ ta do with a key shaped like a heart, that opened up the bomb. Please, let’s not psychoanalyse that one, though, darlin’, ‘cause I’m sure it’s gonna make me seem at least a little crazy.” 

He waits, the silence pressing in on him. It’s unfair, to be faced with such an insurmountable wall between them. “Then again,” He says, Jim’s laugh playing across his ears like a ghost, “I ain’t exactly ever been perfectly sane, either. I love you, after all, righ’?” He laughs, then abruptly sobers as Jim still doesn’t reply.

“I got you somethin’.” He offers up his gift, lays it at Jim’s feet. Hopes Jim will like it. “Couldn’t ya give me somethin’, too, darlin’? Just somethin’, any little sign, any word as says you’ll come back t’me?” Leonard bites his lip, flushes, ashamed. “No, I’m sorry. That ain’t fair. Can’t ask ya for that.” He takes a breath of the clean air, forces himself to step back, give Jim some space. “I’ll see ya another day, Jim.”

He walks away, trembling in the light breeze like a leaf in a gale. He feels like if he doesn’t keep clinging to his branch he’ll be swept away, battered and bruised until he breaks. He thinks of Jim, resting and never speaking. He thinks of Joanna, how she loves visiting Nyota with him, and decides he’ll take the pair of them up to her and Spock on a day when there’s a little sunshine.

He finds himself arrested by the thought of the sun and it’s warmth, hates that he can’t escape forever into the cool dark of winter. He wipes water from his face and pretends it’s not brackish. He squares his shoulders, and walks purposefully forward to collect Joanna from school. She’ll love stomping in the puddles made by the rain. Her boots are yellow.

In the graveyard, a sunflower nestles at Jim’s feet, beaded with droplets of rain. The sun peeks out from behind a cloud, and sets them into a dazzling array of beauty. The rays warm the earth, and Jim sleeps on, silent as he never was in life.

And around him, life goes on, counted in yellow boots splashing in puddles, in concerned friends and unexpected laughter and kind strangers.

The sunflower collapses and fades away, but it’s seeds take root firmly, dozens of tiny, unfurling green shoots.

Leonard likes to think that it’s Jim’s way of telling him he never left.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya!! I hope this worked out ok!!!
> 
> As ever, comments and kudos feed my dark soul and engender my eternal gratitude and love!!!! <333


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